Monthly Archives: October 2011

Savasana is like Afterglow…

Posted on by Justin

Well, kind of. It’s the closest description of it from my point of view. It almost feels like you’re in a lucid dream, but not asleep.  Of course, ask any yoga instructor, and they’ll probably  have a different view on it. But, that’s just me. It’s a big part of why I keep going back to class. Afterglow three or four times a week, with no one to have to kick out of the apartment afterwards? HELLO?!? HA!  On top of these crazy workouts in class, I’m ultimately paying for…silence and reflection. I’m paying $10-$12 a class to just be still. Think about it for a second…how often do you just sit alone in your apartment or house and just…be? Jesus, I sound like a Calvin Klein advertisement. Anyway, most of us don’t. We’re always so busy taking care of others, or have more important errands to tend to. This is why I’m always in class. As of right now, you’re not going to find me on the floor, reflecting on my life. I’ve got a dog and cat that always have their mouths open like baby birds, saying “I want food!”. I literally have to shut the door to the bathroom just to get some privacy around here. If not, I’d have two voyeurs in front of me.

Savasana, along with the Asana practice can be very powerful. It’s given me the opportunity to stop, and allow myself to overcome life changing events like:

  • Having a black eye for my housewarming party
  • The end of my relationship
  • The death of my mother
  • Being laid off from my job
  • Having to short sell my first home
  • Moving back to Los Angeles
Now, keep in mind, ALL of this happened in a span of a year and a few months. And some, within a few days of each other. Believe me, all of these will be touched on individually. Being on my mat, being surrounded by awesome people truly helped me let all of this go. Don’t get me wrong, you may look over during savasana and find me crying. But, that $12 class gives me time to be quiet, still.  It allows me to take time for myself and makes me think of how I can be happier despite my trials and “problems”. I always leave class smiling.
I’m not sure if people have “Savasana Fetishes”. Often times I’d sit up, reluctantly from Savasana, and think to myself…
Please sir, may I have another?

Starting over…

Posted on by Justin

When my ex FINALLY moved out, I felt…incredibly alone. My partner of 2.5yrs was gone, along with half of the furniture. I had a quiet, half empty house with two animals looking at me as if to say, “So, now what?”. I was about three weeks into my 30 day challenge at this point. I started following Karen to the studio a couple of evenings a week as well. I also picked up an extra day at work. I basically immersed myself in things that would keep me hella busy and focused.

And so my recovery began. Between the gym, the studio, and a couple of privates a week…I was doing about 9-10 sessions of yoga.  Let’s just say that I was never bored.  If any of you have ever lived in Las Vegas or know what life is like OFF the strip; then you know what I’m talking about. Everyone keeps to themselves and it is really hard to meet people. I never considered the city my home, and had nothing but bad things to say about it. That is, until my ex and I split up. After my 30 day challenge was over and successful(thank you very much), I started going to the Anusara studio exclusively. Those people became the family and support I needed during my transition of being single again. My ex knocked me down and they were there to pull me up. It was pretty amazing! My teacher would say, “Man, he’s kept you from us for a long time! You should have got rid of him sooner!” After that, I knew that this yoga community was my “home.” The MINUTE I walked in the studio for the first time, I was embraced with open arms and lots of smiles. What else could I do but smile back? :-)

I knew this was my path. And, I was having way too much fun learning crazy ass poses. So, I tossed my “gym mat” and bought a black Manduka mat. That mat and I have been through a lot together. Countless downward dogs, handstands, hand balances, forward folds, and even some crying. I’ve also had my share of stumbles and falls. But when that happens, I smile…and get right back up.

I don’t think people like being unhappy…they just don’t know what else to do.”

Posted on by Justin

 

I just got back from a three day trip to Vegas. Three days of fun and excitement. Vegas fun to most is hitting the strip, gambling and all that touristy crap. My idea of fun was following my yoga teacher to her classes and pounding out 7hrs of yoga. I know, it sounds disgusting. Believe me, everyone one of my muscles have come out to say hi to me. I could literally stay in bed for another day to rest up. This must be how God felt when he created the heavens and the earth. His ass must have been tired too! But, it wasn’t ALL work. I hung out with a girlfriend of mine, and her family. I even got to see “O”  while sitting up by the light booth at the theatre, which was amazing!

Karen and I were chatting about our own personal problems with negative people. She said, “Ya know, I don’t think people like being unhappy…they just don’t know what else to do. They may not know how to change.” Of course, my ex and some of my family came up in this conversation. It is a real shame that you can’t pick your family. If that was the case, I would have exchanged most of them a long time ago. MOST, not ALL. I would have picked people who:

  • were less conservative
  • didn’t escort people out of the room when they started crying or got upset. People have emotions, let them express themselves. Sorry if it makes you feel uncomfortable or embarrasses you.
  • didn’t drink white Zinfandel out of a box during Thanksgiving
  • …actually, anyone who ISN’T from Texas will do
I love my dad. But, at the same time, he can be the most frustrating person I have ever met. We went bass fishing from the time I was a small kid until I was an adult. I moved out of town in my early twenties. We were able to connect that way because that’s what he knew.  Don’t get me wrong, he loves me very much and is proud of me, but that’s our connection. Fishing, and him always asking me, “How’s work?” and “How’s your car doing?”  Otherwise he, along with most of my family, don’t really know me. It’s really a shame. The famous saying around our house growing up was, “Let me show you how to do it!” My mother, sister and I were so SICK of that phrase that we just made a joke of it. Basically, my dad would give us chores to do around the house. And about five minutes after we started these chores, my dad would come back and check our work. He would then proceed to tell us that we weren’t doing it right.  I should make straighter lines while cutting the grass in the back yard. My sister wasn’t folding the clothes correctly. And, there was always something he could change to make it “better.”
There was one particular incident that I will always remember. My dad had asked me to get a damp rag so he could wipe something up off the floor. I was kid of 8 or 10…maybe. So, I wet a rag in the sink and brought it to him. It clearly wasn’t to his liking when he said, “This isn’t damp, this is WET!”, while ringing the rag over my head. I remember the water hitting my head and face and how it made me feel…like shit. My ex was like this too. Only thinner and a lot younger.
Every idea or suggestion I had for…whatever, was changed or altered.  I would say, “Hey, what about this…?”, to which he would reply, “Umm…yeah, that’s okay. But, this makes more sense…” He did this ALL the time.  When someone is constantly saying these things to you, it  not only pisses you off; it wears down your self confidence and makes you question everything you do.
I really loved my ex and I still love my dad dearly. But, they really pissed me off!
Karen and I were talking about all of this and she made me realize…I can’t be too upset with them. Someone TAUGHT them this behavior. They weren’t born with it. I was at a weekend workshop with John Friend along with a few hundred other people earlier this year. He said a couple of things that really struck me.
  • “You can forgive, but that doesn’t mean forget.” He meant that you have to be able to forgive people. But if you forget what they did that was wrong, you could possible allow someone else to do the same to you. Forgive, but take care of yourself at the same time.
  • “It’s easy to wish someone well that you love and care about. But, it’s a lot harder to wish someone well who has harmed you in some way.”  While in savasana surrounded by 250 other people, holding my friend’s hand and crying…I forgave my ex. And, I do wish him well.
Every once in a blue moon, I’ll listen to the words that come out of my mouth when I’m angry.  And, it’s my dad; it is really disturbing.  So, I try to surround myself with great people who care about me all the time.  My dad is not a bad person. He just lived a much different life than I did growing up and it’s extremely hard for him to relate.
Negative people are becoming less of an issue for me  because I just won’t tolerate their bullshit anymore. I just got rid of a friend of mine who I’ve known for quite some time. I still love her, but I don’t love her attitude. I just got tired of it and sent her ass packin’. My yoga practice and my good friends helped to realize that I don’t have to put up with certain types of behavior. I refuse to put up with it. Once I finally got that…nothing but good things have come into my life.
I see a lot of people who are struggling with issues like this. Hopefully they will find their way.
God, that wasn’t as funny as the last posts. Lol. But, sometimes you can’t get to one place without going through another.

Break ups do a body good!

Posted on by Justin

 

 

Let’s just say that the word “Turbulent” is an understatement when it comes to my last relationship. I didn’t “walk into the punches”. Hell, I tried to outrun them, along with the ridicule and other verbal abuse. I happened to do some research on Sociopaths and was frightened by the similarities. The 2.5yr relationship lasted about 2yrs too long. We  met on myspace through a mutual friend when he was in D.C. and I was in L.A. We had an online romance that turned into emails, phone calls and then visits.  Cut to 6 mo. later when we…get ready for it…moved to Las Vegas. Las Vegas. One of the  hottest places in North America…the desert! He was originally from Las Vegas. So, he was moving home and I was moving to a hot ass place with no friends. Lovely. But, who cares? I was in love and clearly blind. Stevie Wonder could have told me it was a bad idea. But, I never heard from him, so I ended up moving anyway.

Things moved pretty quickly during the relationship, primarily because he was the one pushing for these things. We moved across the country to be together AND live together within six months. Four months later, I found myself signing loan documents for a brand new house that was just built in a nice gated community in Northwest Las Vegas. We watched the house actually being built. We were very excited. So, in less than a year’s time…I had a new boyfriend, moved out of state, new job, new car(oh, did I mention we bought two mini coopers?) and two sphynx cats. I’m not sure if you’d call it being domesticated or being engulfed in flames?

Through all of these major life changing events, I had lots of red flags from the beginning, telling me things like,  ”Hey, idiot! What the hell are you doing??”, and “You fucking asshole is NOT a term of endearment”. But, for some reason, I still felt like I needed a change. Believe me, I got one. From the beginning until up to the very end, the relationship was basically this:

  • Him having all these ideas, and him not following through. Which usually included me paying for them. I still am on a couple.
  • Me being riddled with anxiety because I was always being put down on every idea and thought I had. But, believed that because he loved me, it was okay…which put me into emotional tailspins. I was basically a walking infomercial for Xanax.
  • I loved him, and I do believe he really loved me. But, he was young (25) at the time and the sociopath thing REALLY got in the way. As hard as we tried, we just didn’t work. He was oil, I was water.
  • Everything looked pretty from the outside to others, but it was really a hot ass mess!

A little over 2yrs in, I just really got tired of trying, and tired of not being myself. Not really being yourself for 2yrs is a LONG time. We finally split up in May of 2010, but we ended up living together for another month until he found a place and got everything in order. LONGEST month of my life. Jesus! When I get stressed out, I like to keep busy to take my mind off of my problems. To endure my month of hell, I picked up extra hours at work. I also thought to myself, “Why don’t I set a 30 day challenge for my self. Thirty consecutive days of yoga. That’ll keep me busy and I hear yoga is supposed to be good for the mind too.” So, that’s what I did. I was a member of a gym so I bounced around all of the 24hr fitness yoga classes.  Ya know, so  I could make sure that I met my goal. I never thought I’d be doing yoga during my 30 days of hopeful clarity. But, I’m really glad I did. I figured I had hit rock bottom emotionally and something good HAD to come out of this. It couldn’t get any worse.

So, I was doing “Gym Yoga”. Gym Yoga. As I look back on it now, it wasn’t horrible, but it wasn’t great by any means. At least not to me. It was as if all the teachers were really substitutes like you had in high school. They knew what the cirriculum was, but didn’t really know how to teach it. Some were okay, and others were aweful. I think I actually got up and left during the middle of a class one time. But, I still pushed through these classes, determined to achieve my goal.

It was about a week or so into my yoga bender when I met a woman who basically put a smile back on my face.  Because her classes were actually fun and great workout. I’d never done Warrior 2 while listening to AC/DC in my life, nor had I heard of such a weird thing. But, there I was. She gave me my self confidence back, made me feel cared about, and feel important again. Seeing as though I had not felt those things in such a long time, I wasn’t about to stray too far. I stuck to her like a tight shirt on a sweaty farm hand! This 5’4″ blond, bubbly firecracker, almost single handedly pulled my sad ass out of the dirt and helped me be…me again. She will ALWAYS be “my teacher” and I will always be “her student”.

She came into my life EXACTLY when I needed it. For me, I looked at her as a mentor and an inspiration.

But, to her…it was just Karen being Karen.

At the moment…

Posted on by Justin

 

I’m watching my dog and cat together on the floor, trying to sunbathe in the fading beams of sunlight coming through my front window. I’m also waiting for the mailman to get here so I can return these yoga shorts I bought online. They are WAY too big, long in the legs and crotch. They’re teetering on Coolots. So, I’ve got another comfortable, fitted, more appropriate style coming soon. For an October day in Los angeles, it was almost 100 degrees. Felt like Vegas in June.  Despite the heat, I feel refreshed, but my body feels tired…in a good way. I went to the studio today and felt great leaving, as I usually do. I was tempted to open this amazing bottle of Chardonnay that I bought from Santa Barbara a little over a month ago. Why not? Well, because it’s mid day and I’d be drinking by myself in my apartment. Little weird. I’m a lightweight anyway.

It’s funny. I was actually going to start a blog April of last year, when I started my yoga practice. But, there really wasn’t a lot to tell. I mean, how many ways could I say, “Wow, those poses were difficult.”, “I kept falling over”, or “Damn, my hamstrings are tight”. BORING! No one is going to read that crap. Fast forward to year and a half later…I now have some events and thoughts to actually put IN this thing. I’ve read a few other peoples’ blogs. Their timelines seem to start when things are happening NOW, and then continuing. I’m going to be back tracking quite a bit due to several life changing events that happened last year. A couple of my close friends who know me, have called my journey, “Inspirational”, and “Positive”. I can see what they meant by saying that now. But, at the time I was pushing through these things with my yoga practice…I just saw it as me moving forward. What else was I suppose to do? Sit around feeling miserable about myself? Why would I do that? Why would anyone do that? Apparently some do, which I don’t understand. My yoga practice and my teacher, Karen, came into my life EXACTLY when they were suppose to. And for that, I will always be grateful. With that being said, I guess there is no other place to start than…

The Beginning…

Damn! Where is this mailman?? I need to give him this package so I can let the dog out to pee.